THE WARRIOR’S CODE OF HONOR
As a combat veteran wounded in one of America’s wars, I
offer to speak for those who cannot.
Were the mouths of my fallen front-line friends not stopped with
dust, they would testify that life revolves around honor.
In war, it is understood that you give your word of honor to do your
duty -- that is -- stand and fight instead of running away and
deserting your friends.
When you keep your word despite desperately desiring to flee the
screaming hell all around, you earn honor.
Earning honor under fire changes who you are.
The blast furnace of battle burns away impurities encrusting your
soul.
The white-hot forge of combat hammers you into a hardened, purified
warrior willing to die rather than break your word to friends --
your honor.
Combat is scary but exciting.
You never feel so alive as when being shot at without result.
You never feel so triumphant as when shooting back --
with result.
You never feel love so pure as that burned into your heart by
friends willing to die to keep their word to you.
And they do.
The biggest sadness of your life is to see friends falling.
The biggest
surprise of your life is to survive the
war.
Although still alive on the outside, you are dead inside -- shot
thru the heart with nonsensical guilt for living while friends died.
The biggest lie of your life torments you that you could have done
something more, different, to save them.
Their faces are the tombstones in your weeping eyes, their souls
shine the true camaraderie you search for the rest of your life but
never find.
You live a different world now.
You always will.
Your world is about waking up night after night silently screaming,
back in battle.
Your world is about your best friend bleeding to death in your arms,
howling in pain for you to kill him.
Your world is about shooting so many enemies the gun turns red and
jams, letting the enemy grab you.
Your world is about struggling hand-to-hand for one more breath of
life.
You never
speak of your world.
Those who have seen combat do not
talk about it.
Those who talk about it have not seen combat.
You come home but a grim ghost of he who so lightheartedly went off to
war.
But home no longer exists.
That
world shattered like a mirror the first time you were shot at.
The stunning shock of standing face to face with violent death
hurled you out of this world to another world far, far away -- the
Warrior’s World beyond the sun.
On that savage planet, life is about keeping your word of
honor or die trying. This
suicidal custom is known as “doing your duty.”
People in the civilian world have
no idea that life is about
keeping your word.
they think life is about ballgames, backyards, barbecues, babies and
business.
The distance between the two worlds regarding life is as far as Mars
from Earth.
This is why, when you come back to the world you once called home, you feel like an
outsider – a visitor from another planet.
You are.
Friends try to bridge the gaping gap.
It is useless.
Words fall like bricks between you.
Serving with warriors who died
proving their word has made prewar friends seem too un-tested to be
trusted – thus they are now mere acquaintances.
And they often
stay that way because – like many battle-hardened Warriors -- you
prefer not to trust anyone whose life is not devoted to keeping
their word, their honor.
The hard truth is that doing your duty under fire has made you alone,
a stranger in
your own home town.
The only time you are not alone
is when with another combat veteran.
Only he understands
that keeping your word, your honor, whilst standing face to face
with death gives meaning and purpose to life.
Only he understands
that your terrifying – but
thrilling
– dance with death has made your old world of backyards, barbecues
and ballgames seem deadly dull.
Only he understands
that your way of being due to combat damaged emotions is not the
un-usual, but the usual, and you are OK.
Only he understands
how sorely you miss the camaraderie of combat.
Camaraderie is a delicate flower that does not
often grow in the stony ground of the safe civilian world.
It grows mostly in the blood-soaked, fertile ground of the
dangerous Warrior’s World.
The flower of Camaraderie blossoms spontaneously between
those who keep their word to stand and fight, generating a warm,
friendly feeling of comradeship amongst them.
To say this another way, when you and others run toward the sound of guns instead of away, this act of courage
creates invisible chain links of spirit-love that link/hook/bond
your souls together into a band of brothers for eternity.
Then you come home, doff your uniform, and
disappear into virtually honorless civilian life where everyone is
equal -- except on the subject of honor.
There is an un-spoken, unseen in-equality between you that is
simply enormous.
You are a towering mountain of
proven honor, whilst
civilians are tiny grains of sand on the beach of
un-proven honor.
When you look around for other mountains of honor, you see
few and none.
What you do see, however, is phony, counterfeit, wannabe
combat vets as numerous as grains of sand on a beach.
Stealing honor is so common that many
genuine combat veterans hide this fact to keep swarms of
phony wannabes from pestering them with
attempts to be recognized as equally deserving of
great respect.
In short, authentic combat veterans are few and far between,
and you sorely miss their comradeship.
You feel lonely and alone.
Then what happens?
For many, “Quick, pass me the bottle.” (And/or drugs, etc.).
Those who wonder why many combat veterans have drinking/drug
problems need look no further than these few lines to understand
why.
Another common consequence of combat is adrenaline addiction.
Many combat veterans -- including the writer -- feel that war was
the high point of our lives, and emotionally, life has been downhill
ever since.
This is
because we came home adrenaline junkies.
We got this way by doing our duty in terrifying -- but
thrilling combat
situations such as:
crouching in a foxhole waiting for attacking enemy soldiers
to get close enough for you to start shooting;
hugging the ground, waiting for the signal to leap up and
attack the enemy;
sneaking along on a combat patrol out in no man’s land,
seeking a gunfight;
suddenly realizing that you are walking in the middle of a
mine field, etc.
In such circumstances your feeling of
aliveness explodes far, far beyond anything you experienced
in civilian life:
never have you felt so terrified – yet so
thrilled;
never have you seen sky so blue, grass so green, breathed air
so sweet, hearing so keen you could hear a mosquito fart at a
hundred yards, etc.;
because dancing with death makes you feel stratospheric – nay
-- intergalactic aliveness!
Then you come home, where the addictive, euphoric rush of
aliveness/adrenaline hardly ever happens -- normally, that is.
Then what happens? For
many, “Quick, pass me the motorcycle” (and/or race car, speedboat,
airplane, big game hunt, extreme sport, fist fight, etc.).
Although you walk thru life alone, you are not
lonely.
You have a constant companion from combat -- Death.
It stands close behind, a little to the left.
Death whispers in your ear: “Nothing matters outside my touch, and I
have not touched you...YET!”
Death never leaves you -- it is your best friend,
your most trusted advisor, your wisest teacher.
Death teaches you that every day above ground is a fine day.
Death teaches you to feel fortunate on good days, and bad
days...well, they do not exist.
Death teaches you that merely seeing one more sunrise is
enough to fill your cup of life to the brim -- pressed down and
running over!
Death teaches you that you can postpone its touch by earning
serenity.
Serenity is earned by a lot of prayer and acceptance.
Acceptance is taking one step out of denial and accepting/allowing
your repressed, painful combat memories to be re-lived/suffered
thru/shared with other combat vets -- and thus de-fused.
Each time you accomplish this act of courage/desperation:
the pain gets less;
more tormenting combat demons hiding in the darkness of your
gut are thrown out into the healing sunlight of awareness, thereby
disappearing them;
the less bedeviling combat demons, the more serenity earned.
Serenity is, regretfully, rather an indistinct quality, but it
manifests as an immense feeling of fulfillment/satisfaction from
having proven your honor under fire, from having demonstrated
to be a fact that you did your duty no matter what, and you
are grateful to Higher Power/your Creator for sparing you.
It is an iron law
of nature that such serenity lengthens life span to the max.
Down thru the dusty centuries it has always been thus.
It always will be, for what is seared into a man’s soul who stands
face to face with death never changes.
Writer’s Note (1):
This work attempts to
describe the world as seen thru the eyes of a combat veteran.
It is a world virtually unknown to the public because few veterans can
talk about it.
This is unfortunate since people who are trying to understand, and make
meaningful contact with combat veterans, are kept in the dark.
How do you establish a
rapport with a combat veteran?
It is very simple:
Demonstrate to him out in the open in front of God and
everybody that you too have a Code of Honor --that is, you also keep
your word -- no matter what!
Do it and you will
forge a bond between you.
Do it not and you will not.
End of story. Case closed.
I offer these poor,
inadequate words – bought not taught – in the hope that they may shed
some small light on why
combat veterans are like they are, and how they can fix it.
It is my life desire
that this tortured work, despite its many defects, may yet still provide
some tiny sliver of understanding which may blossom into tolerance –
nay, acceptance – of a Warrior’s perhaps unconventional way of being due
to combat-damaged emotions from doing his duty under fire.
Signed, a Purple Heart
Medal recipient who wishes to remain unknown.
Life Member of the Military Order of the Purple Heart (MOPH), member
number L63550.
Life Member of the Disabled American Veterans (DAV)
Dedicated to absent
friends in unmarked graves.
CONTACT
The writer welcomes
comments on the Warrior’s Code of Honor, both positive and especially
negative: how it made you
feel, what you think about it; and your ideas on how to help spread the
word about it. These may be
emailed to the writer at
10625@cox.net
(last revised 2/3/2012)
FEEDBACK FROM COMBAT VETERANS AND
INTERESTED OTHERS
(in chronological order)
1) Sep 24, 2006.
To Patriot (writer's name withheld).
Thank you – what a great piece of literature, I read it three
times before I forwarded it to all 185 e-mail addresses in our chapter
(of the Military Order of the Purple Heart = MOPH).
Thanks again. Semper Fi., John Cooney, MSgt, USMC – retired.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, member of MOPH Chapter #642.
[jcooney@ec.rr.com]
2) Sep 24, 2006.
To Dear Patriot (writer's name withheld).
Thanks for the website and I’ll make distribution of The
Warrior’s Code at our next meeting.
Welcome to the MOPH. …If you reside in the Mountain Home, AR area
we’d certainly encourage you to attend our meetings.
Yours in Patriotism, John R. Kopacz, 3rd Bn. 4th Marines, various
locations in & out of Nam DMZ 1966/1967.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, Adjutant of MOPH Chapter #581
(email address withheld at sender's request.
Direct all requests to verify this email to Adjutant, MOPH
Chapter #581 @ VFW Chapter #3246, 7th & Grey Sts,
Mountain Home, AR
72653
).
3) Sep 26, 2006.To (writer's name withheld), what a powerful message and only a combat
fire tested Veteran can understand the spoken and unspoken words, so
eloquently framed. YIP, I will treasure the inspirational words as
I attempt to convince my fellow combat wounded Veterans of the need to
reach out to others of our Brotherhood. I look forward to meeting you
some day. Thank you and God bless you. E. Leon Thomas (Medic
nicknamed "The Doc with the long barrel pistol" for charging
enemy troops waving a handgun).
Infantry Company C, 8th Cav Reg., 1st Cav Division, Korea - 1951.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, Commander of the Department of
California MOPH. [ETHOMAS3@bak.rr.com]
4) Sep 26,
2006. To Patriot (writer's
name withheld). I received the poem/story. Very nice.
I have forwarded that to our local (MOPH) Chapter members and our
Department – statewide – Commander. What chapter did you join?
We certainly need people like you in our effort to continue serving our
fellow veterans and our communities. Very best of luck.
Steven D. Giroux, 25th Infantry Division.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, Sr. Vice Pres. MOPH Chapter #568
[sgirou@hotmail.com]
5) Sep 26,
2006. Hi (writer’s name
withheld). Thanks for the wonderful expression of the thoughts of
a combat veteran. Too bad all our fellow Patriots' families can't
read it. I want to tell you how much I appreciate what you have
been doing. You are right that ONLY combat wounded veterans can
truly understand the meaning of our Code of Honor. Our camaraderie
is hard to explain to anyone who was not there. Have a blessed
day. Joe Kovar, rifleman, E Company, 101st Reg., 26th Div., France
June 1944 thru Battle of Bulge all the way across Germany liberating extermination
camps, etc., to meet the Russians coming from the other way 1945.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, plus Bronze Stars with V for Valor,
member of MOPH. [papakov@comcast.net ]
6) Sep 28, 2006.
I have mixed emotions about the article. It is right on point as far as
my personal experiences are concerned but I have a tremendous "guilt"
feeling about surviving. My particular unit took very heavy casualties
and very few of us came "home". My "Welcome Home" to the states was less
than pleasant and those memories are buried deep in my mind. (From
Open Discussion Section [since deleted], anonymous, no bio).
7) Sep 28, 2006
Reply by writer. Thanks for
sharing. Your guilt feelings are quite normal. I too was burdened down
with survivor's guilt.
What puzzled me was that my so-called "guilt" was so
nonsensical. Hell, instead of being guilty of being inadequate in
combat, my buddies seemed to think I was more or less OK. No
matter, I was still "guilty" in my mind of not doing something more,
different to save them.
Believe me my fellow combat veteran, this is the
biggest lie of your life. Keep sharing your so-called "guilt." Each time
you do it disappears a little.
Semper Fi, the writer.
8) Sep 30, 2006.
To (writer’s name withheld). Thank you for this. Although it well
warrants being printed, framed, engraved, etched in stone and displayed
for all to see, it will probably remain among the few who really
understand the message it conveys. Yours in patriotism, Tim
Armstrong. B5/7 1st Air Cav Div
Nam
68-69.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, member of MOPH L22751
[tim-jerri@gci.net]
9) Oct 20,
2006. Good morning
Brother (writer’s name withheld).
In reading the Warrior’s
Code of Honor, I see my Brothers and Sisters as they are today and while
not really wanting to admit it, I do see myself and my feelings
expressed. We have learned to "stuff it" and continue the stress
of combat with overwork.
Alan Gibson. VN Chaplain's
Administrator in 79 with the 101st Abn and in 80 was PsyOps NCOIC with
the 3rd Bde, 25th Inf Div. [ Vvamo1@aol.com ]
10) Oct 20, 2006.
Hello (writer’s name withheld). I was a machine gunner in
Viet Nam
in 1966-67 with the 5th bn 7th cav. I lost my ammo barrier the
first fire fight, and lost my asst gunner in 1967. I was wounded
Oct 4th 1967. Pain is hell, got back problems now and got to wait
to get help through the VA but it is slow. I still have problems
and still go to PTSD group to help me out or I’d be homeless and have
nothing and no one cares. 75 cents and all your medals will buy
you a cup of coffee.
You are doing a great job.
I gave the Warrior’s Code to all the members of the PTSD group that I
attend and they think it is real. I KNOW it real because I was
there, but we got to talk about some of these things with other vets to
help the healing process. Little by little it helps to talk things
out and not feel guilty of the things that happened, we are still all
suffering a loss of one kind or another. We all stick together and
help each other out when in need, or just to talk. Robert D.
Wagner, 5th bn 7th cav. Nam
1966-67.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, Adjutant MOPH Chapter 679, Jr. Vice
Commander MOPH Department of Idaho, [rdw1@cableone.net]
11) Oct 21, 2006.
Dear (writer’s name withheld). The Warrior’s Code is a marvelous work.
There's real truth in practically every line of it. I was a Scout
with the 25 Infantry Division in Korea. My
closest comrade in my squad ultimately died of his injuries when we were
closely struck by artillery fire.
I have to say that the day in and day out stress was a
life changing occurrence for me as indicated in the "CODE". I have
never been able to return to making music as I could prior to that war.
There is just not much of an attention span since. God Bless and
keep our soldiers. Truly, they will never come home the same. E.
Riggs, Bn Scout, 1st Bn, 14th Reg, 25th Infantry Division, Korea.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, member of MOPH Chapter 568, Oklahoma City.
[eriggs4@cox.net]
12) Oct 26, 2006
Viet Nam Veteran
“Try to understand”
If he stays home alone,
and doesn't like to hear the phone
If he won't answer the door,
'cause he doesn't want to see anyone anymore.
"Try to understand"
If nighttime is something to dread,
and his sleep is restless and fleeting in bed,
If he quietly gets up in the night,
so as not to disturb your pleasant respite.
"Try to understand"
If he becomes nervous and jumps around,
at unexpected movement or a sudden sound.
If he sits in a restaurant with his back to the wall,
because he can't have anyone behind him at all.
"Try to understand"
If he shows no fear and wouldn't turn if he could,
that part of him has gone that says you should.
If his anger seems quick and extreme,
He's only trying to control intense emotions unseen.
"Try to understand"
If he seems emotionless and indifferent some days,
And perhaps he just says "Go Away!"
If he becomes depressed and may seem unkind,
He is only trying to spare you the agony in his mind.
"Try to understand"
If his mood changes and alters
and he becomes unsure and often falters,
If he becomes sad and stares into space,
He has only gone to some other place.
"Try to understand”
…..Because he can't……..
A vet's cry for help.
By David Pye, ADF,
Viet Nam
veteran.
(Supplied by a third party, who requested anonymity, code name K).
13) Sep 26, 2007 Writer’s feedback to K. Dear K, you may be
happy to learn that I am getting a lot of positive feedback re: David
Pye’s Poem “Try to understand” that you sent me to post to the website.
Mostly wives and mothers, who are at first shocked/stunned, then
grateful.
14) Sep 26, 2007 K’s feedback to writer. Hey (writer’s name
withheld), I am thrilled that you published David’s poem and even
happier to hear that people are reading it and that it helps. It
certainly spoke volumes to me. I actually had a person I know “calligraphize”
- I know, I made that word up - it on a piece of parchment-like paper,
and I gave it to my wife of 20+ years.
After much crying and hugging me..(for the explanation
of) some of the small quirks that..(I) had shown over the years, such as
the seat at a restaurant table that is against the wall, with a full
view of the room. “Why does..(he) always sit there?”
You do a great service with your website there, bro.
Keep on keepin’ on and know that it is appreciated by many. Be
well. God bless you and yours. Hold fast- K.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, USMC Viet Nam, member of MOPH.
15) Oct 30, 2007. I am the wife of a Vietnam veteran, and I identified
with all the author wrote through my life with my husband. I just
want to say thanks for this piece. It is very well written and
expressed!
It is what the public needs to hear to know what war
is. The only way people can understand combat and its results is
through the print and speaking of the troops and the veterans.
Thanks. Peace, Bunkie. (from open discussion section
[since deleted]. No ID or bio).
16) Nov 17, 2007.
I would like to say "Thank You" to the author. While I do not consider
myself a true combat veteran -- only under mortar and rocket fire from
the safety of a sandbagged signal van -- I feel it speaks much about
those who I consider my brothers who placed their lives and limbs in
harms way -- for each other if for no other reason -- and especially to
those of 5th SFG who did so across the wire. SGT E-5,
NAM
June 1968-July 1970 54th Sig. BN. Nha Trang, Danang, Banmethout CCS.
(From Open Discussion Section [since deleted], anonymous).
17) Nov 26, 2007. Dear (writer’s name withheld). The Warrior’s
Code is moving and Grimly True -- too bad Hollywood is not tuned in to it. The
overwhelming feeling I have sometimes is sadness for the deaths of the
brave soldiers then my age – 19 -- and wonder at my survival -- why me?
Best patriotic regards, Charlie.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, former Pfc. Mortar Squad, Co. C,
32nd Inf. Regiment, 7th Infantry Division, WWII. Cpg8103@netscape.net
18) Nov 28, 2007. My thanks to the author for putting into words what so many of us
feel. My only addition would be that you don't have to wear the Purple
Heart to qualify for the Warrior's Code of Honor.
Most who wear that badge of honor are truly deserving, while some
who wear it are doing so less than honorably.
I was fortunate to serve in Vietnam as an Infantryman for 24
months and not be wounded severely enough to seek the Purple Heart. And
it was not for a lack of opportunity since in addition to my CIB (Combat
Infantryman’s Badge) I also received Silver Stars and Bronze Stars with
V device (V for valor).
My point is that there are many of us who do not wear
the Purple Heart who are as touched by and relate to this wonderful
piece of prose as any others.
My thanks to the author and (thanks from) all of the many
Warriors from many conflicts for who you are and what you did. Others
will never understand. (From Open Discussion Section [since deleted],
anonymous, no bio).
19) Dec 1, 2007
Reply by writer
Thank you for your kind words about The Warrior's Code.
I was particularly moved when you said you were "not wounded
severely enough to seek the Purple Heart."
Man O Man can I relate to that!
I too on occasion suffered wounds not severe enough to seek the Purple
Heart, and kept on fighting alongside my friends.
I have never seen this topic
discussed anywhere, much less stated in such a beautifully well-crafted
way. In my opinion, with your talent with words, you should write about
the things we experienced that have never seen the light of day -- but
should!
Believe me, to do so lightens the crushing cost of combat/PTSD
that weighs heavily upon many, if not most, combat vets -- Purple Heart
or not.
Thank you for your valuable help.
Signed, the writer (who needs all the help he can get).
20) Dec 25/2007.
I'll tell no stories of war; I've no need to testify on behalf of the
pain of dedication displayed by warriors. I'll only signify that I
understand, at the deepest level of my body, mind, and spirit, that war
does change one when death becomes an intimate.
I will tell you now, at the start of this letter, that
there is a hope out there. That I re-found my faith and belief in God
and my fellows, and in myself. But that journey was a long one.
I'll instead say that I too wandered in the always
ready, check your weapons and ammo mode for many years. I never entered
a store, restaurant, movie theater or bar without scoping out the back
door and what could I hide behind, if... always the "if". Regardless of
the reality of the situation, I had to be always ready to react to
threats.
See, it's that "What if..." that grinds you down. It's
about ALWAYS being ready for the threat that deadly won experience tells
me is around the bend. It is a mind set rooted in fear.
But such a thing cannot be, for you are a warrior, like
it or not, understand it or not. Some acknowledge the fear; some
resolutely turn their minds from it, but all who struggle and fight in
deadly earnest are forever molded by the things that HAD to be done to
survive.
I lived that you see, for far too long, trying to
ignore the root cause of my discontent. In avoiding the pain, and the
fear, the loss and grief, I ignored the beauty, wonder, and peace that
surrounded me if I could but see it.
I lost my faith in God and even worse, in myself.
But I was lucky. Others had been there before me and I
was fortunate to find a group of men who understood. I'll tell you
that through the grace of God, a lot of therapy with other vets at our
local County Vet Center, a stint at the
National
Center for Post Traumatic Stress -- at
Menlo Park, California -- a lot of prayer and hard work,
something changed. That something is, sorrowfully, rather an indistinct
quality.
But it manifests as a sense of honor, a sense of
acceptance and gratitude.
Warriors are, in my experience, more sensitive than
most men after the deadly shadow has passed over them. Sensitive in a
way that seems almost instinctive, that sees their fellow man as an
individual. But when faced with the reality of bodies,
blood, pain and violent death, when you, the living, must deal with
those, the dead, that sensitivity must hide so that it can survive.
Things will never return to "...how they were", you
cannot stuff the genie back into the bottle. You must learn to live with
it.
But one can regain their sense of honor and gratitude.
Again, I hesitate to give advice for I am an expert in only one case;
mine. But I have seen others who have found that their dedication to
their country, their Corps, themselves and to God, can be regained. I
was told "Acceptance is the key". This simple phrase holds a vast field
of understanding, but it is not an easy one to understand.
There is a path back to the joy of living. It's twisted
and dark sometimes, but with patience and help one can find the way back
to joy (serenity).
I'm rambling here, it's 3 AM and my wife is sleeping,
the house is quiet, and I am probably not making too much sense. May God
bless you, hang in there, allow yourself all benefit of doubt, and thank
you all.
John Wagner, once L/CPL "Wags", 2nd Force Recon '67, 1st Air Delivery
Plt. '67-'69, Vietnam, #2298163
Purple Heart Medal recipient. (from Open Discussion Section
[since deleted].
21) Dec 26,
2007 Reply by writer
Dear John, I was stunned when you said the result all your hard work
upon yourself manifested "as a sense of honor, a sense of acceptance and
gratitude," which I call "serenity."
All I can say is ME TOO! I also found a sense of
honor, a sense of acceptance and gratitude--serenity-- after years of
intense work on myself 24/7.
Your awesome letter should be framed, engraved, etched
in stone and displayed for all combat vets to see, but will probably
remain among the few who really understand the message it conveys.
I will do my best to publicize it at every opportunity.
(Many of my words of appreciation are
lifted from Tim Armstrong, number 8 above. Thanx Tim, you said it better
than I can. Also thank you John Wagner for your inspiring message,
you are a better writer than I am.
I have also used some of your timeless words/phrases elsewhere).
Signed, the writer).
22) Jan 28,
2008 Dear Writer: It is
an honor to know you. The Code of Honor is beautiful, and so true.
I think you and I connect, as veterans do, who indeed have been
there/done that, for we followed that path of honor and devotion to
duty. Our word meant more to us than any amount of gold.
Gary Jacobson.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, Combat infantryman, B Co 2nd/7th
1st Air Calvary `66-`67, LZ Bet.
Phan Thiet,
Vietnam. This is
the same unit depicted in the Mel Gibson movie, "We Were Soldiers," one
year later.
23) Jan 29, 2008 Reply by writer. Dear Gary, I
like your description of our combat infantryman's word of honor, to wit:
"Our word meant more to us than any amount of gold."
I never thought of it in terms of gold, but you
are right -- keeping our word to friends, our honor, under fire is the
chain of gold that bonds you and me together.
Civilians cannot see this chain and have no idea
such a thing exists, consequently they will NEVER understand why we did
not do the "smart thing" and run away from the screaming hell all
around.
I will now attempt to language what happened to me in
combat:
I was an 18 year old kid who died in combat when a stranger slipped into
my body,
a MAN from a different world where you keep your word of honor to stand
and fight
instead of running away like you desperately desire to do.
This suicidal custom is known as:
“Doing your duty.”
In closing, I have visited both your websites:
"I'm no hero"@Dedicated
hero's chair; Vietnam Picture & Poetry
tour@namtour.com; and found them magnificent.
They languaged some of the combat demons hiding in the darkness of my
gut, which hurled them into the sunlight of awareness and made my
crushing load of PTSD a little lighter. Thank you. Signed,
the writer.
24) Apr 18, 2009.
To (writer’ name withheld):
Veterans are hesitant to talk because:
Unless you have experienced- 1. hunger - C's - (C
rations); 2. thirst; 3. fatigue; 4. sleep deprivation; 5. heat; 6. cold;
7. no baths, showers; 8. Same clothes for days; all unending, it is not
in their frame of reference – understanding - so why talk to them.
All of us (veterans) have something to say that is screaming on
the inside of us.
The Warrior's Code says it.
Each and every veteran can add a paragraph. I see a lot
of young men who are seeking to prove their manhood with caps, tattoos,
sports jerseys, body piercing, etc. I want to tell them, "The real men
are in the army-navy-etc. There you can show the world that you are a
man."
LTC Fred Rosenbaum, Retired, former Commanding Officer, A Co, 1st Batt,
2nd Infantry, wounded in Tet Offensive Viet Nam 1968.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, Combat Infantryman’s Badge, Career
recognition of 14 awards and decorations, Member of MOPH Chapter 744.
flrosenbaum@suddenlink.net
25) Apr 25,
2009. To (writer’s name withheld), after reading the Code I
know what you are saying. People don’t know what its like unless
you have been there and done that.
I tried to tell a person one day when he asked
what happened to me, I told him we came under fire and I felt like
during the fight that God put his hand over me and my pal setting next
to me in a bunker.
I picture it as God’s fingers on the ground, and
us in a cup type of formation, and He said “son, you and Joe are a
little banged up but you will be okay,” looking at his hand as he left,
and it was bleeding (because Joe and I were wounded).
Joe and I were scared, but we had to take care
of another fire support base next to us. They took more rounds
than we did but we stopped that, even after people kept yelling "don’t
shoot."
We said what do we do, just sit here and let those
other warriors lose their life?
Well this may not make sense, but there is not a day
that passes that I don’t think about that moment, it happened in the
blink of and eye, but it will be with me till I die. Bill Melton.
Purple Heart Medal recipient, member of MOPH, 5th 27th Field
Artillery Fire Support Base Brenda near Phang Rang; Song Mol; Phan Theit;
Viet Nam, 1969-1970 [namvetmelton@cox.net]
NOTICE:
the FEEDBACK FROM COMBAT VETERANS AND INTERESTED OTHERS was
shutdown from Oct 2006 to Sep 2007, from Jan 2009 to
Apr 2009, and from May 2009 to Jan 2012, but is now re-opened.
26)
January 13, 2012.
To the writer of the Warrior’s Code of Honor.
In the Code you wrote:
“You never speak of your world.
Those who have seen combat do not talk about it.
Those who talk about it have not seen combat."
I say Bullhockey! What is wrong with talking about it?
Maybe not talking to any Joe on the street, but to other Vets and
therapists if we wish. Isn't that what you and I are doing now, talking
about it?
I remember a Marine Vietnam Veteran with whom I
attended tractor trailer training, telling me that I was never in combat
because I liked to tell too many "war stories." What a jerk! I think
that type of attitude hurts your fellow Veterans more than it helps.
I never lied or told tales of false bravery; blood and
guts or body bags. Just anecdotes about my service. Stuff about the
good times, buddies; girls; booze; and crazy Drill Sergeants. Maybe a
tale or two about some wild helicopter rides and patrols through Central
American villages.
Hell, I just had gotten out of the service, used the GI Bill to go
to school, and didn't have much else to talk about except the Army. I
feel that Marine Vietnam Vet above was just projecting his shame and
guilt upon me.
Talking about my war experiences has helped me tremendously in a PTSD
group setting. Maybe those words of yours above should have some
qualifiers.
We can't heal if we don't talk about these things.
With Respect, TC
US Army 1987-1991
7th ID (LIGHT) LIGHTFIGHTER Operation Just Cause Panama
10th MOUNTAIN Division Operation Desert Shield
(sender’s name & email address withheld at his request.
Writer designated sender as “TC”).
27) January 13,
2012. Reply by writer.
Hi TC, you are right in everything you say in your very talented
critique. Are you a writer?
If not, you should be.
When you said,
“I
never lied or told tales of false bravery; blood and guts or body bags.
Just anecdotes about
my service.
Stuff about the good times, buddies; girls; booze….”
this is what every combat veteran I ever met talked about, never
about the actual fighting and dying. When I said “Those who have seen
combat do not talk about it,” I meant
real combat vets never talk
about the actual fighting and dying, but phony wannabes do.
Hell, this is how you tell they are phonies.
How about helping me out?
How would you say it?
Please advise. With respect, the writer.
28) January 13,
2012.
Reply by TC. Thanks
for straightening that out. You said it just fine and that is how I
understand it. Your piece of writing is most excellent and I could not
have said it any better. I
am concerned that some Vets will hold things "inside" and cause real
damage to the quality of their lives because it is considered "unmanly"
to talk about their troubling experiences.
I think I am getting sensitive in my old age and I have
been struggling of late with my mental health. Lots of survivor guilt
issues. Thanks so much for getting back to me so soon. It means a lot.
Deep down, I will always feel like I never did enough, leaving me with
an empty feeling inside.
Thanks for helping me get this stuff off my chest.
With Respect, TC.
29)
January 13, 2012.
Reply by writer. Hi
TC, boy-O-boy when you said:
“Deep down I will always feel like I never did enough,
leaving me with an empty feeling inside,” you describe me as I am today.
I still feel like you do, even after decades of work on
myself 24/7.
You mentioned that, “I have been struggling of late with my
mental health. Lots of survivor guilt issues.”
I know nothing about the new kind of war you fought in during the
1990s. Please tell me about
it, and how it results in PTSD.
With respect, the writer.
30)
January 13, 2012.
Reply by TC.
In the 1990s war I was in:
one day you are on a search
and destroy mission in a remote part of the Central American jungle
taking enemy prisoners and weapons;
the next day you are supervising an air drop of MRE's
-- field rations -- from a helicopter to feed a refugees from a city
that was leveled two weeks prior;
the next day you are quelling a prison or looting riot, working
side by side--- as they take the lead -- with an expatriated enemy
combatant that you captured --and some that had shot at you two days
before;
other days you are in the cities "kicking in doors"
looking for men of military age and looted goods.
All this time you know you are in somebody's gun
sights. My tour was only six months but I was outside the "wire" almost
every day for sure.
With
Respect, TC.
US Army 1987-1991
7th ID (LIGHT) LIGHTFIGHTER Operation Just Cause
Panama
10th MOUNTAIN Division Operation
Desert Shield
31)
January 14, 2012.
Reply by writer. Hi
TC, no wonder you are battle-rattled. I suspect that setting
foot outside the “wire” in this new kind of war
would be as scary as me sneaking along on a
combat patrol out in no mans land in the old kind of war I fought in.
I can’t stand to watch the news about our boys in
Iraq and Afghanistan
without tearing up so bad I can’t see the TV screen, so I don’t watch
the news about war.
Thus I have to ask: is what is going on now in those
places anything like what you did in the 1990s?
Regards, the writer.
32)
January 15, 2012.
Reply by TC.
I think these boys today have all the issues
we had, plus much worse. A much more determined enemy, in a much longer
conflict. Those roadside bombs must be brutal!
When I say "We," I mean me and my fellas during my time.
I can't speak for things I have never done or places I have never
been, like what you have been through.
I hope that is clear.
With Respect, TC.
33) January 15,
2012. Reply by writer.
Clear as a bell TC – I got it -- you are speaking from
your experience only.
When you said,
“I think these boys today have all the
issues we had, plus much worse….
Those roadside bombs must be brutal,”
what immediately leaped into my mind is that the
threat of those
simply enormous roadside bombs must be brutal!
My guess is that the fear this threat creates must be so immense
it could grind you down into PTSD very quickly.
To speak to this, I will now paraphrase what Marine John
Wagner, a Viet Nam vet who
used to suffer from severe
PTSD, said in number 20 above:
“I understand, at the
deepest level of my body, mind, and spirit, that war does change one
when death becomes an intimate…
I wandered in the always ready, check your weapons and ammo mode
for many years. I never entered a store, restaurant, movie theater or
bar without scoping out the back door and what could I hide behind,
if... always the "if." Regardless
of the reality of the situation, I had to be always ready to react to
threats.
See, it's that "What if..." that grinds you down. It's
about ALWAYS being ready for the threat that deadly won experience tells
me is around the bend. It is a mind set rooted in fear.
Some acknowledge the fear, some resolutely turn their minds from
it, but all who struggle and fight in deadly earnest are forever molded
by (…fear).” (Thanx John, you said
it better than I can. The writer).
The point the writer
is trying to make is that non-traditional wars like Panama, Iraq,
Afghanistan, etc., will grind you down into PTSD just like the
traditional wars of WWII, Korea, and Viet Nam --
even more so, what with
all the shamefully numerous re-deployments.
TC, on a personal
note, some time ago I stopped posting material to the
FEEDBACK FROM
COMBAT VETERANS section of the
Warrior’s Code website.
But your words are strung together so powerfully I would like to
post our emails up to the Warrior’s Code website.
Why?
Because I get many emails from combat vets thanking me for the 3
& 1/2 page Warrior’s Code itself, and thanking me
even more for the FEEDBACK
FROM COMBAT VETERANS section.
Why?
Because when they see up on the website the secret PTSD
feelings bedeviling them that they cannot talk about, they are relieved
to see that their battle-damaged feelings are not the un-usual, but the
usual, and they are OK.
So how about helping out other combat vets?
I ask this because at long last I have taken one step out of
denial and admit that the FEEDBACK FROM COMBAT VETERANS section is more helpful than my Warrior’s
Code. (Egad and gadzooks! What a
blow to my admittedly enormous ego!).
With respect, the writer.
34)
January 15, 2012.
Reply by TC. When I
told you that,
“Deep down I will always feel like I never did enough, leaving me
with an empty feeling
inside,”
those words say it all.
Simple as it is, it sums up everything I have to say.
You don’t have to add it and our emails to the website, but if
you do, please withhold my name.
Believe it or not, I am a very private person.
Thanks, TC.
US Army 1987-1991
7th ID (LIGHT) LIGHTFIGHTER Operation Just Cause
Panama
10th MOUNTAIN Division Operation
Desert Shield
35)
1/29/08
From: Tobias Naegele [mailto:tnaegele@atpco.com.
To: (writer's name withheld)
Did you write The Warrior’s Code of Honor yourself?
I thought it very well done and would like to know more about you and
your experience.
We might be interested in giving this far greater exposure. Thank
you,
Tobias Naegele
Tobias Naegele • Editor in Chief
• Army Times Publishing Co.
Army Times • Navy Times • Air Force Times • Marine Corps Times
• Defense News • Federal Times • Armed Forces Journal
• Training & Simulation Journal • C4ISR Journal
Office: (703) 750-8620 • Fax: (703) 750-8683
36) 1/29/08
To Tobias Naegele
Your request to know more about me and my experience is answered in
writer’s note 2 below. Thank you for your consideration.
Signed, the writer (name withheld).
WRITER'S NOTE (2)
A
careful observer of this website will note that it has grown.
The 3 and 1/2 page Warrior’s Code of Honor itself may not change
or grow because serious sources hint it may survive into the future as
is.
The FEEDBACK FROM
COMBAT VETERANS section, however, has grown because the writer kept
inviting more Warriors to give their bio – that is: military unit,
theatre of ops, short snippet of their experience, and email address.
Many responded, which grew the FEEDBACK section.
A number of these Warriors challenged me to stand up and give
my bio like they gave theirs.
Well, my bio would not impress anyone but
me, and often not even me, but here it is.
I was a rifleman in an Army Infantry Rifle
Company, 17th Infantry Regiment, 7th Infantry Division during the first
part of the Korean War -- an ordinary front-line grunt, an unknown face
in foxholes, and I want to stay
that way, for reasons only a bloodied combat vet would understand.
To conclude my bio:
I spent a year alone in the wilderness of Honey Island Swamp
trying to stop stumbling thru life bowed over with survivors guilt for
living while friends died;
I quit “cold turkey” my addiction to alcohol, drugs and tobacco,
etc.;
I
acquired a firm belief in Higher Power/my Creator;
I
spent years of painful introspection torturously languaging my anguish
from Korea out into The Warrior’s Code of Honor;
I
accepted/allowed my repressed, painful combat memories to be
re-lived/suffered thru/shared with other combat vets – and thus
de-fused;
I
completed virtually every self-help program on the planet, and so on.
After this work on myself, the crushing
cost of combat burdening me down, called by various names:
shell shock
= WWI;
combat
fatigue = WWII;
battle-rattled
= Korea;
Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder [PTSD] = Viet Nam, Panama, Gulf wars, Iraq,
Afghanistan, etc.,
still lingers in me, but only faintly – not crippling like before.
A door opened and I walked out onto a field of serenity to which
there are no bounds.
Signed, the writer (name withheld).
FEEDBACK FROM A PTSD PROFESSIONAL
From: Art Robb [arobb25@comcast.net]
Sent: Monday, August 03, 2009 7:28 PM
To: 10625@cox.net
Subject: Warriors Code of Honor
1) Dear writer of The
Warrior’s Code, my name is
Art Robb. I’m a Navy retiree
who lost his father in WWII, and lost a brother (Vietnam Vet) to suicide
due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Through a series of
events, I became passionately involved in trying to help our returning
Wounded Warriors, active duty and veterans. Over the years I researched
and carefully studied PTSD, and while certainly not an expert, I believe
I have a good understanding of the subject.
I work for the CSRA
Wounded Warrior Care Project in
Augusta,
Georgia (www.projectaugusta.org),
developing a Warrior Care Team in our area. We are a fairly new
organization of highly motivated mostly Vietnam Vets dedicated to
serving our wounded warriors. We know how we were shamefully
treated upon returning from war by an ungrateful nation, and we, like so
many other Vietnam vets,
have sworn a silent oath that we will never let that happen again.
2) CAREGIVERS
TREAT THE SYMPTOMS OF PTSD, NOT THE SOURCE
Since the beginning of warfare, PTSD has existed, but mostly
undefined and untreated, even in our modern times. As I researched
PTSD, I discovered that most caregivers seem to be treating the
symptoms, rather that the source. How can you successfully treat PTSD if
you do not know the source?
To illustrate the
importance of knowing the source of a problem, Louis Pasteur clearly
identified the source of spoiled milk, beer, wine, etc. as being the
growth of microorganisms, not “spontaneous generation” as was thought.
Continuing this
illustration, PTSD caregivers are working on "spontaneous generation"
instead of the microorganism source. To say this another way, caregivers are
working on the refrigerator because the sink leaks. No wonder it
is difficult to find very many stories of success in treating PTSD.
3)
THE
WARRIOR’S CODE IDENTIFIES THE SOURCE OF PTSD
This brings me to your Warrior’s Code of Honor. I ran across it
while researching all the various documents on the net. Everyone
from a General to a Private who has experienced combat has commented
that your Warrior’s Code is right on target, and has helped them
understand their own PTSD. But like all combat vets, they find it
virtually impossible to talk about it, to “open up” to non-combat
experienced clinical caregivers, which is the first step in the healing
process.
Your Warrior’s Code
breaks this “code of silence” and clearly defines what happens to those
who leave the safe civilian world and cross over into the terrifying,
dangerous world of the combat warrior. You provide invaluable
insight into what fighting for your life does to the warrior’s heart,
soul, spirit and mind.
I believe The Warrior’s
Code is one of the most powerfully descriptive, straight forward
documents which captures the very essence of the defining moment of
traumatic transition from “soldier” to “combat warrior,” and most
importantly, the beginning of PTSD, the
source of PTSD.
Your
exact description
and/or identification of the source of PTSD has seldom, if ever, been
documented before.
While I realize there are
many forms of anxiety and stress associated with pre-deployment,
deployment and return to the USA, the
source
of the most damaging and long term is the trauma of the defining moment
of combat.
This defining moment is
clearly identified and defined in your Warriors Code, thus providing
the detailed understanding of the mind of the combat warrior that was
lacking before. We now have the guidance necessary for unlocking
the heretofore mysterious beginning and/or
source of PTSD, thereby
opening up the possibility for a cure.
4) NOW WE KNOW HOW TO TREAT
PTSD
I want you to know how much your Warriors Code of Honor has
influenced our Warrior Care Team approach, especially the combat
warrior-to-combat warrior mentoring phase. Continuing the
illustration above, our Warrior Care Team here in
Augusta --
unlike most PTSD caregivers – do not waste our time working on the
refrigerator because the sink leaks, we work on the leaky sink.
I believe the “leaky sink”
(PTSD) must be fixed by a trained and certified combat warrior mentor,
who works closely with and compliments professional clinicians,
community reintegration workers and spiritual advisors; in short -- a
multifaceted Warrior Care Team. This team should be a community-based
program to compliment the Department of Defense and VA services and care
models.
But Heads Up! We
need this approach NOW!
5) THE
COMING TIDAL WAVE OF PTSD
Why is it vital to implement the Warrior Care Team concept in all
due deliberate speed? Because most PTSD caregivers are overwhelmed by
their current case load. What will they do when over 300,000 new
returning veterans swamp and sink their already overpowered systems?
This is bad enough, but it gets
worse. Redeployment rotation back into combat can be five or six times
or more, spinning families into confusion and turmoil. According to
published reports, there has been a 50% increase in children dependents
seeking physiological treatment. The hard truth no one wants to talk
about is that the PTSD problem isn’t only combat warriors, but also
their families, thus creating a PTSD TIDAL WAVE!
This tidal wave of PTSD is
gathering strength, and will soon come crashing down on our caregivers.
If the PTSD caregivers are overwhelmed now, what will happen when this
hits? The number of veterans suffering from untreated PTSD will
skyrocket to the highest levels this nation has ever known. We
will have heartbreaking hordes of homeless veterans, veterans lost to
substance abuse, and suicide in stunning, mind-boggling numbers.
Our returning combat
warriors deserve better than this. Remember, freedom is not free –
it is bought by the blood of our combat warriors. Are we going to once
again be an ungrateful nation and repeat the shameful treatment of
returning combat veterans like we did Vietnam
vets? Or are we
going to ready ourselves NOW for this holy crusade against the coming
tidal wave of PTSD?
I respectfully suggest
that the CSRA Wounded Warrior Care Project here in
Augusta may
serve as a model to be rapidly replicated nation-wide before the PTSD
tidal wave hits.
6) TREAT
PTSD BEFORE COMBAT AND BEFORE RETURNING HOME
As we continue to develop our local Warrior Care Team, a fact is
emerging from the fog surrounding PTSD -- the best place to educate
soldiers about PTSD is before they go into combat, rather than after
returning to the
United States. PTSD becomes more
resistant to treatment over time because the coping mechanisms developed
and/or improvised by the PTSD sufferer become routinized and habitual.
(We all know how hard it is to break bad habits, yes).
Education and knowledge are
powerful allies of our young warriors. If we educate our warriors
about PTSD before combat, they will know what to expect from battle, and
what to expect when they return home. This will give them the
vitally important message that they are not alone, their new feelings
from combat are the same as countless other warriors before them, their
new feelings are justified… and they are OK!
7) WE
HAVE A DUTY TO DEPROGRAM WARRIORS INTO CIVILIANS
We have a duty to work just as hard at deprogramming combat
warriors into peaceful civilians as the military did at programming them
into combat warriors. I personally feel our military could do more. They
did an excellent job of creating warriors, and in my opinion, have a
responsibility for deprogramming them into peaceful warriors who
successfully reintegrate into society as happy and productive citizens.
I am confident that by
all working together we are making a difference.
In
conclusion, thank you very much for writing The Warrior’s Code of Honor,
and “Welcome Home” Brother!
Art Robb
8/4/09 Reply by writer
Dear Mr. Robb.
Thank you for your kind words about the Warrior’s Code. And thank you for the
detailed description of your work and how the Warrior’s Code helps out.
I recognize you as a True Believer in helping others, and
words cannot express my admiration and gratitude for what you and yours
are doing for us battle-rattled combat vets.
Signed, the writer (name
withheld)
WRITER'S NOTE OF GRATITUDE
Whatever good is done by this website would not have been accomplished
were it not for my friend Helmut Paul Ermlich, Jr.,
a Man of Honor who keeps his word like a combat veteran.
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